I had some time to kill while waiting for my God kids to come by and I was like.. “Oh I should post my poetry”. and then thought I kind of hand something to get off my chest so I’ll start with the future and let you peek into my past a bit later. This week the boyfriend and I are going to the Fertility clinic. Pretty Scary Stuff! They emailed me and him a lengthy questionnaire, Asking questions about menstruation, ejaculation , erections, number of miscarriages and a whole slew of other questions. They also sent a few E-learnings about the body and male and female reproductive system. It was very 5th grade, but apparently I didn’t pay much attention then cause I dis learn a few things. One thing I found interesting was that because reproduction is such a sensitive topic for so many women there are no children allowed in the office.
All of this from a social work prospective is very interesting, but when I allow myself to be in the moment and really get a grasp on what this all means it’s heavy. We’ve talked about before how I have a heart condition so I have never felt like a full fledged adult. I pay my own bills and wipe my own ass, but at the end of the day I still wear graphic tee’s and prefer a good nap over a candle light dinner. Not that any of that makes me less grown up, but I guess I’ve accepted the fact that I probably would never be able to carry my own child. In my teen years although I always practiced safe sex I was terrified of being pregnant. These days I am wishing I would have been knocked up in my twenties. Eh .. but that may have been Brookyln’s kid.. Shit show… I digress.. SO now I have this appointment which I feel is going to just solidify what I have already always believed. 1. I cannot carry my own child and 2. my eggs are probably past their expiration date.
My family and I as well as my boyfriend have spoken about surrogacy. But with him and his unsure feelings of things, I feel like it’s a decision we would have to make in 2018. besides we are not getting any younger. I am blessed to be bordering 40 and have both of my parents. You have a kid by 40, when your kid is 40.. you are well in your 80’s. See Math.. It’s alot to swallow. But the biggest pit of all is if none of this is possible ( even though I am #teamadoption) does this mean I am less than a woman. This is what women do right ? Make babies.. I mean I know we can do anything , but that is biblically our purpose. No?
Not necessarily looking for answers. Just sharing my thoughts, I am sure I am not the only one feeling like this so I figured sharing is caring. I will keep you posted on the end results. In the meantime Spring decided to visit NJ so I am gonna embark on some Vitamin D. Peace ❤