Category Archives: Blog

A Tad Numb.

So I feel I needed to purge this information somewhere, and what a better place than here. If you are an avid listener, 1. Thank you, but 2 you’ve probably heard me (Jenn) talk about “restraining order boy”. In short we were childhood friends, grew apart distance wise and reconnected over the common grounds that he needed open heart surgery and it was something I had already been through. Long story short we were coochie crunch for months until he got a bit possessive and threatened my life in which he became…R.O.B.

Well this morning I found out he passed away. I’m not sure from what, I can only imagine a drug overdose. And although we have years of history and what not… I feel nothing.

The Pisces in me should me emoting all over the place, but I literally just feel numb about it. Like I legally can’t pay my respects, but do I even want to? I definitely never hated him. I felt disappointment in him and the fact he was given a second chance at life and fucks it up, also that he was someone I bent over backwards for and his rage or his dark side still caused him to say and do horrible things.

As a mental health professional I should have known what I was dealing with , well, I did and ignored it. Anyways. That’s my bag to hold for the day. I don’t know if the courts will contact me or if I have to notify anyone. I’m still kind of processing.

Thanks for listening. Peace!

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More Than a (w)oman

Hey BLB-

I had some time to kill while waiting for my God kids to come by and I was like.. “Oh I should post my poetry”.  and then thought I kind of hand something to get off my chest so I’ll start with the future and let you peek into my past a bit later. This week the boyfriend and I are going to the Fertility clinic. Pretty Scary Stuff! They emailed me and him a lengthy questionnaire, Asking questions about menstruation, ejaculation , erections, number of miscarriages and a whole slew of other questions. They also sent a few  E-learnings about the body and male and female reproductive system. It was very 5th grade, but apparently I didn’t pay much attention then cause I dis learn a few things. One thing I found interesting was that because reproduction is such a sensitive topic for so many women there are no children allowed in the office.

All of this from a social work prospective is very interesting, but when I allow myself to be in the moment and really get a grasp on what this all means it’s heavy.  We’ve talked about before how I have a heart condition so I have never felt like a full fledged adult. I pay my own bills and wipe my own ass, but at the end of the day I still wear graphic tee’s and prefer a good nap over a candle light dinner. Not that any of that makes me less grown up, but I guess I’ve accepted the fact that I probably would never be able to carry my own child. In my teen years although I always practiced safe sex I was terrified of being pregnant. These days I am wishing I would have been knocked up in my twenties. Eh .. but that may have been Brookyln’s kid.. Shit show… I digress.. SO now I have this appointment which I feel is going to just solidify what I have already always believed. 1. I cannot carry my own child and 2. my eggs are probably past their expiration date.

My family and I as well as my boyfriend have spoken about surrogacy. But with him and his unsure feelings of things, I feel like it’s a decision we would have to make in 2018. besides we are not getting any younger. I am blessed to be bordering 40 and have both of my parents.  You have a kid by 40,  when your kid is 40.. you are well in your 80’s. See Math.. It’s alot to swallow. But the biggest pit of all is if none of this is possible ( even though I am #teamadoption) does this mean I am less than a woman.  This is what women do right ? Make babies..  I mean I know we can do anything , but that is biblically our purpose.  No?

Not necessarily looking for answers. Just sharing my thoughts, I am sure I am not the only one feeling like this so I figured sharing is caring. I will keep you posted on the end results. In the meantime Spring decided to visit NJ so I am gonna embark on some Vitamin D.   Peace ❤

 

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5 Years.

Today marks 5 years since the day that my ex-fiancé broke up with me. The date is not something that I keep track of, but it’s not exactly something that I can forget either. Continue reading

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Dating At The Speed(force) of Light – Pt. 2

Well, I did it… 12 hours later, and I survived! I got to tell you, what an interesting experience that was.  Continue reading

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Dating At The Speed(force) Of Light – Pt. 1

To bolding go where no Martini has gone before…

I’m going speed dating y’all and as you heard on episode 83, I am both nervous and excited. Actually, I’m glad I’m doing it because this is a long time coming. I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of speed dating, and also, it’s going to be geek oriented/themed so it’s to my advantage. But the real main reason why I’m glad to really put myself out there is because I might finally find someone, but more so… finally find someone along the lines of who I am. Someone who will complement me as opposed to conforming to their way of life.  Continue reading

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Fall into it…or fall out..?

So I know I haven’t shared in awhile, but to commemorate the beginning of my favorite season I figured I’d just share and maybe get some advice from you!!

Today I felt frustrated cause I learned that I am too loyal.
Is that a thing?
Apparently.

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Stress to Impress…

There’s an article I read suggesting what qualities women should possess that Men should add to their ‘Marriage Material’ list, and within that list something really hit home. Continue reading

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Letter Jackets & Going Steady – Forget Chivalry, is Commitment Dead?

I wasn’t born during the time of the sock hop, malt shakes and the Sadie Hawkin’s dance. Despite Johnny Rocket’s efforts to time warp us back to that era, I can only get a sense of the era through movies and TV and campfire stories from people. From what I gather, it was real cool to be in a relationship back then because things mattered.  Continue reading

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I’m tired of not being good enough.

New year, but in no way am I happy. Sure, with the new year upon us I can “wash away the past”, and I get it… it’s a good mantra to have. But 2016 apparently had one more lesson it wanted to drive home:

YOU.

ARE.

NOT.

GOOD.

ENOUGH.

Continue reading

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The Beauty of Betrayal

Check out this great write up from Miss April Speaks about betrayal and forgiveness.. ♡♡♡

Miss April Speaks

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Betrayal is an ugly word but when you look up from the depths of despair in which betrayal may make you fall—you may see a rainbow. If you’ve never been betrayed– here’s how it works, for those of you that have, just come on this journey with us for a minute:

  1. You discover you’ve been betrayed by a friend, romantic partner, family member, etc.
  2. You are hurt because you feel like you would never have betrayed that person.
  3. You are angry for the same reason as #2.
  4. You likely get an apology that is hard for you to believe is genuine.
  5. You contemplate forgiveness.
  6. You forgive or not, either way you are still angry.
  7. You no longer trust the person.  If you have forgiven them you are in the process of trying to rebuild trust.
  8. You build a wall around your heart and mind because you want to believe you…

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The Quest Within, Pt 5: Fail… to Succeed

So we’re at the final leg of the quest so let’s recap. Continue reading

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The Quest Within, Pt 4: Stop Enabling A**holes

(I mentioned this blog on Episode 16)

So semi-regularly I listen to a podcast called Guys We Fucked and it’s great. It’s about 2 women who are sexually liberated and don’t mind talking about their escapades on air Continue reading

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The Quest Within, Pt 3: “Don’t Ever Change”

Sometimes when I look at myself, I wonder when did I miss the bus to “Man-Ville?” I wonder about the equation of how many of us males end up like I am or just lost overall. So I started thinking and thought a big factor would have to have been how we grew up.  Continue reading

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The Quest Within, Pt 2: Acceptance

There’s a slight misconception throughout society that I’d like to discuss. Whether it’s in TV, movies, or literature, it’s commonly portrayed that women are the only ones that pine for that ‘one person’ to notice them. Thankfully movies like The Girl Next Door, Superbad, & Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, show that guys also share in the ‘fight for acknowledgement’ though to different degrees. Whereas the female in question wants to end up with her beau and live happily ever after, the male in question just wants to be noticed. Period.  Continue reading

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The Quest Within, Pt 1: Confidence

For as long as I’ve been living, when it came to life (but mostly women) everybody has always said to me that you got to have confidence. All you need is confidence. Once you have confidence, the world is your oyster. Confidence, confidence, CONFIDENCE. After all these years you know what I have to say about that? FUCK confidence.  Continue reading

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A “how to” on why you should get down with me (and over thinkers like me)

Well, well, well… this comes as a shock. An actual positive article about over-thinkers? Never thought I’d see the day. People always have a negative comment to say once they think your over-thinking is an issue: Continue reading

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What comes after: The Uncertainty of Self

“So tell me, where shall I go? To the left, where nothing’s right.. or to the right, where nothing’s left?” – Higher Perspective

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A “How To” Transcript on How to Get Down With Me… (and Alpha Chicks Like Me)

So since heading back into the dating scene I have never been so definitive about what I want and need. I have come to the conclusion that I honestly don’t NEED a partner (Man). But having someone to share all the highs and lows of the week with would be nice. As previously discussed I don’t really let guys do things for me (re: to Episode 1 of the Podcast). This can sometimes be seen as  emasculating or bitchy. Neither is my end game.

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Warning: Labels May be Hazardous to Your… Relationship?

Upon talking to my friend the other day, something came to fruition that we uncovered about myself and apparently… I have a thing about labels.

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Can I Be Naked?

sad beach guy

So one day, Jenn links me to this article and is like “definitely wanna podcast this, I’ll write it up tonight”. I’m all for it and then I see the headline “How To Plan A Kinky Vacation (Without Her Freaking Out) and I know I was gonna walk into some shenanigans. Fortunately it was a very in depth article recounting a female’s reluctance (and then overall enjoyment) of her going on a kinky vacation and it turning out to be a great trip. Then Jenn asked me the question, “would you ever go?” and that got me thinking – in more ways than one. Continue reading

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So Question? Can You JUST F@#k The Person You Love?

So can we? Can you? Can I? I read this article just to get my brain kick started and get some of these blogs rolling out. Didn’t think it would resonate at all, but of course the Pisces in me swam on out.

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