So, after a couple weeks of talking with Kathy Iandoli’s friend our courtship quietly fizzled out. Not surprisingly, I’m back to square one. As per usual with my pursuits, I examine what went wrong, ask myself for a damage report like I’m on the bridge in “Star Trek” and see if I got away emotionally unscathed. For the most part I had. It wasn’t anyone’s fault really. We un-matched more than we did. We just couldn’t find a solid foundation to build upon. She likes Sports. Not really my cup of tea. She likes a certain genre of film. I like a completely different genre. I would name the geeky things I liked, she wasn’t really into geek culture that much. So on and so forth. Yes, I’m well aware not to expect things to just line up and match perfectly. People can have differences and still be successful as a couple.
So despite pulling teeth to find common ground, we would occasionally stumble upon a sprinkle of similarities. We both shared an eclectic taste in music, although she leaned more toward hip hop and I, alternative. We both like M. Night, although she didn’t like his later movies post-The Village, but I do. While we did have awkward starts and stops in our conversations, we would still have decent chats with each other.
Soon after, the pursuit had gone cold and then it just… stopped. Maybe we knew we weren’t really matching, so why bother. I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. Again, not anyone’s fault. She’s a nice person, I’m a nice dude but just because we’re both nice doesn’t mean we’re automatically compatible. You can’t just mush two people together and expect it to work out for the best. Not everybody goes with everyone. I’m usually not so open when dealing with dating potentials because I want to make sure I know what I’m getting into and also that the person is more into what I like. Why waste time, you know?
So I ask myself – What’s the next approach?
I mean, since we weren’t lining up exactly, I should try and find someone who is more like-minded, right? Shouldn’t it be that simple? You would think but when it comes to me, it’s always a bit more complicated. I’ve mentioned my married friends before who have their commonalities with each other:
The Teacher Couple have Sports and well… teaching,
The Power Couple have (live) music and an entrepreneurial mindset,
The “Woke” Couple have fitness & spirituality
The Flirty/Sexy Couple got…. Sex? I dunno… I try not to think about that – aaaaanyWAY…
The things that these couples share are more than just things that they’re into. It speaks to what moves them & what inspires them. It’s a piece of who they are at their core that they’ve found a way to express externally and also found someone to share that side of them with. Well, my thing is my fandom and I don’t know if I will ever find someone to share my geekiness with.
Generally speaking women are into other things (which is fine). Even if they find a partner whose hobby/culture they’re not really into, it would still be more normalized and accepted by mainstream standards than what I’m into. Not all women like let’s say… sports or action films, but they can at least tolerate it because stereotypically every guy watches Sports because that’s “what guys do.” It’s normal. Their man is playing Madden or Call of Duty again? Okay, and? Guys play video games all the time cause that’s what guys do. Meanwhile, I blast movie soundtracks in my car regularly thinking this is normal when I know it’s not.
I remember one of my earliest dates with my ex-fiancé was when she pointed out the song I was playing on my Mp3 player was from “Superman: The Movie” and I was amazed. I was like “What? She got that? YES I like her.” It felt good because it wasn’t like I was testing her (okay maybe I was), it was more so to see that if I could be MYSELF around this person. No hiding, being coy, acting weird, or embarrassed.
I’m recalling the time with Kathy’s friend where she would ask me questions to get to know me like “what’s your fav tv show” or “what’s your fav movie” and I’d be apologizing before I told her the answer. Why? Well, to be honest, for fear that she would judge me because I knew more than not a “regular” woman would hear my answers and be like “um okay, I’m dealing with a manchild”.
Although I have liked, wanted, and dated regular / non-geek women, I can’t picture myself spending my life with someone where she didn’t share a love for fandom in some capacity. She doesn’t need to be into it as much as me, but to not be into something at ALL?! I dunno.
“honestly, I can’t even imagine getting involved with someone who wasn’t a geek about something. Like even if it was something I’m not that into (idk anime maybe?). I just feel like fandom culture goes hand in hand with a lot of other personality qualities.”
BINGO! Here, here Brigid!
I totally feel her on that. I don’t know what it is but Geeks just “get” each other.
It’s this collective of people that’s a part of a community bound by respect and love for the Creative Arts. They get together and celebrate these imaginative worlds & products created by a wonderful assortment of talented people. It’s a delightful group to be a part of.
That’s why I would go on dating sites and specifically search for geeks to find a like-minded girl who understood. Which was why I was so jazzed up about going geek speed dating because I was like “FINALLY MY PEOPLE but the opposite sex! YES!” You can see from what I wrote in that post that I was eager to find someone who “got” me.
I remember talking with Brigid and she said that she was cool if someone wasn’t like her and she would just geek out with her friends. That’s all well and dandy but for me, talking with my friends about my adoration of this “lifestyle” isn’t the same as talking to someone I’m with.
I’ve chatted for HOURS with friends (both male & female) about geek stuff, but delving deep into what you love about it and being able to share a piece of you with someone that means something to you – feels SO good. It’s kind of like when something good happens to you right, who do you share it with first? The person that means a lot to you, right? I can get real passionate when sharing what I love with someone.
I remember when Jennifer watched Unbreakable for the first time recently and she called me up to talk about it. Unbreakable is one of my favorite movies, so when she told me she saw it, I was ready to dive into why I loved the movie so much. But then I realized, I wouldn’t be able to connect with her in the same vein I would with a partner. So sharing this piece of me with someone who wasn’t on that level wouldn’t feel as fulfilling.
There would be times I would go over this friend’s house and be there with her husband and children and we would all be watching superhero related things all day. Sometimes for as long as 7 hours or so. Even though they invited me and would love when I came over, I didn’t like the fact that I’ve taken these people’s Saturday to do “nothing” and waste it on ME indulging in my obsession. Granted, they got love for geek culture too, but I’d rather not be the third (well, in this case sixth) wheel with this family searching for inclusion & belonging. I would ideally want do this with a person of my own instead of siphoning energy from that household.
I don’t want to force anyone to like anything or roll their eyes and be like “again with this kid’s crap?” Brigid had mentioned that “other things are more important. I’d rather be with a ‘normie’ who agrees with me on social issues than with a Marvel fan who wants to build that wall, you know?”
Point taken. What if I don’t jive with the person morally, what happens then? *SPOILER ALERT* I already went through that with my ex fiancé. Sure we were a great geek couple. We were able to talk in great lengths about comic stuff/pop culture, etc. but how I was going to support her as a husband? I never figured that out. How were we going to settle the whole God thing? I flopped on that too.
There certainly are bigger things out there to take into consideration. Which makes me think – am I more than my fandom? Is that the only thing that defines me?
Sure if you were to look at my Instagram you will see my wall is FLOODED with comic book memes, references, jokes and the like. You would think as an outsider looking in that this is all I’m about. Maybe that’s what women are thinking as they scroll through my timeline: “Is that all he’s about? Lame. I need someone serious.”
As aforementioned my fandom IS a HUGE part of my life but moral values are paramount in my quest for a relationship as well. Sure you can be real cool with each other on a surface level, but when things get deep and decisions need to be made, you must become a united front to tackle the problems that come your way. Absolutely I would love someone who shared my observations and understanding of life. Who wouldn’t? But I wouldn’t mind if we didn’t see eye to eye on things because we can help bridge the gap to understanding each other’s side on matters that mean something to us. We don’t always have to agree but we can most certainly compromise on points of view instead of throwing the discussion out altogether.
I also have other interests and things that permeate my mind. Like I’ve said before on the podcast I am an aspiring writer and I love to create and express. I have non-comic related stories that deal with Religion, reincarnation, and so forth that I would love to make into media content someday. I run a podcast about relationships. That’s another subject that I’m obsessed with that have nothing to do with comics. I talk about current events as well. So yes, I am more than my fandom. I hate coming off as a foreign object you don’t know how to interact with.
I know there are more important things in life but my fandom is important to me and it’s my preferred lane because that’s what I want to go into as a profession. It’s more than just a hobby or a “lifestyle”. It will be my livelihood. So, yes… same moral values, would love that. But I guess what I’m really asking for is – not so much that I want my partner to be a geek per se (although that’d be a HUGE bonus), I want someone on the same artistic wavelength as me.
You know what they say: “Birds of a feather, flock together”, which means people who have similar interests, ideas, characteristics tend to seek out and/or associate with one other.
I look at Zack Snyder and his wife Deborah. He’s a director and she’s a producer. I also look at Christopher Nolan and his wife, Emma. He’s also a director and she, a producer. The thing in common with both couples (other than their love of movies) is that the wives’ produces the husbands’ films. They work in tandem to get their product finished to be a complete work of art.
Much like my married friends that have the common denominator, I’d like something like that. Not verbatim… but again, something like what my friends have. A shared love of something that is a part of them.
I’ve come close to achieving that harmony twice in my life. One was my ex-fiancé. Not only was she a budding geek, she also played the guitar and was a singer-songwriter. It was a very nurturing relationship tapping into both our creative sides & psyches. The other was Hiking Girl. She wasn’t a geek, but she was a fantastic writer and even has a book out. We would have intellectual conversations about life, our crafts and interests. It was a delight. I don’t know if we would have went all the way but she was someone I was definitely attracted to for more than just her beauty. I want to find my particular type of woman again.
Here’s an excerpt from an article to better describe what I mean –
“Our perfect type may have less to do with biological attraction and more to do with our own personality, style, and interests. Studies have shown that people tend to fall in love with those from their same socioeconomic background, similar levels of intelligence, and consistent values and principles. There’s even a term—homophily, or “love of the same”—that describes the tendency for similar people to attract each other. In both romantic and platonic relationships, homophily happens.
Researchers at MIT’s Media Laboratory looked at homophily in online dating and found that users sought people that were like them most of the time, just as it happens in the offline world. Users were most likely to seek similarities in preferences for marital history and desire for children, but also things like physical build, attractiveness, and smoking habits.”
Well… what IS my type?
You Go For A Bookworm
An ideal date for you could be anything from exploring an awesome bookstore to quietly reading with your BF/GF. You’re probably already imagining it, aren’t you? You love a quiet, bookish type and you’re not afraid to admit it. You want someone in your life who you can have in depth literary conversations about…or some fun arguments about Shakespeare.
Almost 2 years out (January 21, 2016) from taking this test I come to find that this “type” actually holds true. I loved having in depth conversations with my ex-fiancé. We didn’t hit up Shakespeare but we talked about music, politics, pop culture, everything under the sun. We would get real intricate with our discussions too. That’s what I want to do with my partner as well. Just get together and really delve into the things we talk about from the inside out. Obviously also have fun, we’re not stick-in-the-muds.
I know to be wary of too much of a similarity. I remember from Episode 12 with Kathy Iandoli that because she and suitor at the time were both writers, the relationship soon became a competition of who was better as opposed to uplifting each other successes.
It truly is a fine line trying to get what you want out of a relationship.
But like I said before, I’m tired of selling myself short and not being able to exercise who I am because I’d much rather be in a relationship then be true to myself.
So good luck to me trying to find my bird of a feather and also not losing myself in the process.