5 Years.

Today marks 5 years since the day that my ex-fiancé broke up with me. The date is not something that I keep track of, but it’s not exactly something that I can forget either. November 25th 5 years ago landed on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I remember that week we had a big fight. I don’t remember about what. All I recall is that she decided that she was going to spend thanksgiving with her parents down south and not at mine, like she’d been doing for the past couple of years. It felt like the relationship was in troubled waters but I didn’t know how troubled until that following Sunday when she said she needed to talk.

I drove to her house with the suspicion that things were ending. It was cloudy & raining, much like it did when I proposed to her. Book end. We sat in my car in her driveway. Fitting because we did share many moments in the spot. This time would be no different. She said she was initially going to just write to me and just hand it to me but she read (some of) her goodbye note to me aloud as I read the rest to myself.

“At this moment in my life I need to make sure that my steps are matching up with His in order to be able to live a full and happy life. I can’t continue in the path that I was going because I don’t see happiness down that path. Currently there is a huge gap between us that doesn’t seem to have a way of bringing us closer together. It would truly be foolish to continue acting as if all is well when things aren’t. Please understand that I do believe this is the best move for the both of us. I think it would be best for us to separate as a couple and truly search what God as in store for each of us as individuals. I don’t know where our paths will go if they will meet again yet I do know that God is leading the way.”

I still keep the letter (plus my proposal note and gift to her) til this day.

After she read it, she gave me my ring and she left. We tried to do the whole “friends” thing, but it was very hard going from being demoted from Spouse-To-Be to My Buddy ol Pal. We communicated back and forth a couple of years after that trying to keep some sort of friendship alive. I would talk to her one last time in October 2015 when I found out she met this guy who would turn into her future husband. Unless you count her checking out my LinkedIn profile 5 months ago, I haven’t seen nor heard from her since. Nor do I want to.

Just seeing her again would do nobody good. When my mind wanders and thinks what about what I would do if I saw her, “Mercy” from Shawn Mendes comes to mind.

Please have mercy on me

Take it easy on my heart

Even though you don’t mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart

Would you please have mercy on my heart?

I don’t have any beef with her, but I don’t need to see her. I know all these different feelings from sorrow, anger, to jubilation and joy. I don’t need to go through that. Not after 5 years of trying to get over her. I still get afraid of bumping into her when I go to our old stomping grounds. I’m afraid of running into her or her family for fear of the unknown. I don’t ever need to see her and her husband together holding hands having public displays of affection. That would tear my soul in two.

I haven’t had a successful relationship since my ex-fiancé. We all know about Religious Girl, Yoga Chick, Crush Girl and the like. It’s just been weird. I should be grateful though for at least going on dates and trying to get out there. It was a bad time for me after our break up in 2012. A year after our breakup I was LOST. I recently visited a friend of mine who had a child and we got on the subject of his wedding and for the life of me couldn’t remember being there. Obviously he and his wife were offended, but then I asked what year it was. He said 2013, and then I said “Oh that’s why”. 2013 is erased from memory. The only thing I remember from 2013 was when I went to a Matchbox Twenty / Goo Goo Dolls concert because I love MB20 and wanted to wallow with their relatable music to my situation.

Despite the sadness of the last 5 years, there has been at least SOME good. It’s been definitely a growing half decade. I went back to school (something I thought I would never go back to) for radio broadcasting. I’m using my god given talent to make my creative side happy by writing a book. Also I’m the co-host of a podcast with Jennifer, someone I thought would never be in my life again.

She scolds me at times and asks “when are you gonna get over this shit?” but it’s hard. You can’t just “get” over it.  This was the person I thought I was going to marry.

Not in the vein of looking at the popular girl back in high school and saying “that’s my wife”.

Not in the way of claiming an celeb starlet and saying “ooh… if I ever met her she’d be my wife.”

Not even in the vein of falling in love with a pornstar and saying “that’s wifey”.

NO.

This woman that I went to get an engagement ring for and knelt down and confessed my love for her was going. To. Be. My. WIFE.

You can’t shake that. I know Jennifer means well which is why she wants me to date and is anxious for me to get myself out there again. I do feel anxious to be in a relationship and feel that rush of love from someone else, but at the same time desperately afraid to be in one that I want to run away and hide. It’s like I’m never sure if I want to be with the person because I got it wrong before, how will I know if this time it’s right? Dating is hard to begin with, but now when I thought I found my wife and was sorely mistaken, who’s to say that I have the ability to choose the right person to be my partner? I dunno. I’m scared. I’m fucked in the head and still have his whole in my heart. It has gotten smaller for sure, but it will always be there. A longing. Not for her per se. But just a longing to be with someone since “my forever” was stripped away from me. Sort of like having a phantom pain.

Let’s face it, if I ever propose to someone again, they’ll never be the first so I know there’s no way to complete eradicate the feeling. But there has to be a way for me to move on from this emotional hollowness that consumes my thoughts. I do hope someday I find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but if I don’t I can’t go on another 5 years with this feeling so potent within me. All in all, here’s to the last 5 years of growth and for the next 5 to be an abundance of happiness and joy regardless of someone being in my life or not.

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