I’m tired of not being good enough.

New year, but in no way am I happy. Sure, with the new year upon us I can “wash away the past”, and I get it… it’s a good mantra to have. But 2016 apparently had one more lesson it wanted to drive home:

YOU.

ARE.

NOT.

GOOD.

ENOUGH.

Of course, I could be blowing things out of proportion, but let me plead my case before you think I’m going overboard.

There’s two stories: “Guess I wasn’t enough” and “Welp, Guess I aint SHIT”.

The first I already talked about on Episode #33 (and every so often sprinkle tidbits on episodes after that) with “Religious Girl”. Quick synopsis, I’m a (non-practicing) Christian and she’s an agnostic. She ended it after a month because she knew eventually our religious differences would get in the way of us building something together and living our lives. I understood but was still sad about it. Even though it was only a month, our time together (I thought) was great.

I remember our first date where she told me that even though she didn’t know where this was headed, she wanted me in her life forever. Talk about a first impression. Another date was us sitting at night on this bridge and looking up at the stars. Another date was playing Pokemon GO amongst the craze and sharing our first (second and third) kiss while hunting for those pocket monsters.

But it came to a head a couple weeks later when she told me, crying, that we couldn’t be together and she so wish we could. Again, I understood the reasoning. A couple weeks later of half assed attempts of communication to continue to keep our “Forever” clause, we just kept our relationship to Facebook sharing of like-minded memes and articles. Then I see, that she has a new beau, so the Petty Petty Princess in me looks this guy up and sees how he and I match up. But then I stop myself and say “why?” It didn’t work out between her and I, and for whatever reason she likes this guy now. Let it go… and I did. Until I saw their relationship announcement. It said that they started going out July 9 of 2016. Religious Girl and I went on our first date July 8th.

Now, to be fair she did tell me on our first date that she was seeing several people because she got out of a horrible long relationship so she was playing the field. As time went on though, she would tell me when she dumped each guy, til all my competition was gone, or so I thought. So, as I’m seeing this guy and her posts about him how she’s amazing and their time together is great and the activities they do together, I can see that they are more right for each other than her & I would have been. I recognize that. BUT my thing is, what about the time that we had together? Why wasn’t I plastered all over your wall? What happened to the time we talked under the stars and had those deep convos about God, past lives, death? Did our kiss(es) not mean anything? Because they did to me. Again, I’m not saying I’m the better pick for her, or we would have worked out if we stayed together, but what about my acknowledgement? The significance of my courtship with her is questionable because even though I was with her, according to her start date, her new bf was apparently on the sidelines waiting to be subbed in.

I feel like my efforts to make us a couple (regardless if we would have worked) was for naught if your new guy was there the whole time waiting in the wings.

“Welp I aint shit”

So this one takes the cake. Remember Yoga Chick? Our courtship started on Episode #40 (or 9/24). Quick synopsis on her (in case you don’t listen to our podcast, but you totally should): She’s a vegan, I’m not so that was going to be a problem between us. We ended it on November 16th because of additional complications. Despite all that though we did have good times, we went apple picking & baked an apple pie (my first time), I ate vegan/plant-based food every time we ate together (my first time again), we did yoga (again first time) etc. There was a lot of firsts I did, and for her. I put effort into my relationships. She did too, she would come down and see me (we lived an hour away from each other, one of the additional complications) and we would try and make it work.

Well things started to dry up and the passion that was once there waned and we broke up. Even though we were two peas in a pod, there was not much chemistry. We were definitely intellectually on the same wavelength and we were attracted to each other. But we just got in each other’s way romantically, even though there we sparks in the beginning.

My issue again is that I tried.. I really did, but we weren’t working. We first wrote letters to each other about our grievances towards the relationship, and we talked about it but she ultimately ended it and wished me well. She didn’t try to keep me around to be “nice”. I internally commended for it. I didn’t want to be some person on a string thinking that I’m a consolation prize and that I’m not enough to be your man, but good enough to be emotional candy to treat yourself to any time you’re not getting what you want from your man.

Even though I applauded the cut off, when she said that she lost interest in her email to me… I always had the sneaking suspicion that someone picked up her interest right up.

So, one day Jennifer hits me up and shows me Yoga Chick’s social media and I see that she has a new BF. Suspicion confirmed. They started dating (the earliest) the last week of November. Yoga Chick and I broke up November 16th. Quite the speedy recovery from breaking up with me. Also he was plastered all over her account, them being all chummy and close. If you listen to the podcast one of our complications was that Yoga Chick had a thing about being touched, as in she didn’t like it unless she was comfortable with you. So when we first started going out – we didn’t hug / kiss / nothing. We never really got it to a “normal” level of affection but these two have gone out for less than that and they are close as fuck in their pictures. So of course that got me mad. What does this guy that I don’t? Then again, I was like well… they are eating plant based food in most of their pics together & they’re both doing yoga so he seems more for her – fine. We didn’t work out but surely I was at least somebody to her right?

So I scroll through her feed to see any pictures of her & I cause if this guy got pictures only a month in… surely me being there for 2 months got me SOMEthing, right?

So I search around the time we dated. I see two pictures. One I took and one that she did. Both from the same event we spent with each other which was the Apple picking event. Her picture consisted of the pie we made together. It was of the pie and the oven that the pie was in… and that’s it. The other? A pic of her walking to the apple orchard of the grounds of the facility. It’s my favorite picture of her. So when I saw it on her page I was like oh okay, I’m not in it (cause I took it) but at least she put that on there because she knows how much I loved it.  I read the caption for the picture and it says “On my way to class!” and under that has the address for the yoga building she teaches at.

What.

In the actual.

FUCK.

She wasn’t going to a class, she was going apple picking with me! I couldn’t believe it. No, I literally couldn’t believe it and thought that maybe her caption was right, so I went back and went to my OWN photos to double check to see if I had mistaken it for her picture. I saw mine and put it right next to hers and Voi-fuckin-la, it’s the SAME picture. THERE IS NO RECORDING OF ME IN HER LIFE. I spent two months with this chick and there’s only a shadow of me there (figuratively). This new guy has been in her life for a month and already they’ve gone to the city multiple times, stuffed their faces with vegan food, and celebrated New Year’s together standing realllll close to each other. Don’t know if they did the traditional NYE kiss because of her clause but anyway… WHAT THE FUCK, right?

WHY am I not being acknowledged? Was I THAT bad?! It really sucks cause I really liked her (even though the writing was on the wall). In Episode #50 I explained that I gave her a gift (amongst the many other gifts I gave her), a book full of pictures from her from our time together and wrote a letter discussing that she’s a wonderful person and I hoped she finds happiness in love. Once again, effort. She did text me thanking me for the book once she received it in the mail so that was nice of her. But still… I get “on my way to class?!”

I don’t know if you sense a certain theme here, but I want to feel like I matter to people. I’m not saying they need to hold a vigil for me in their hearts once they find a new person, but shit… why ask for effort if you’re not going to be remembered for it? Yoga chick really hurt. I mean seriously. That STUNG. It’s great that she has a new man more akin to her style, wants & personality, but I’m still so baffled by the lack of acknowledgment. I don’t care if she ended up dating the Dalai Lama or the Avatar. I’m not saying worship me, but fucking respect me. Shit. I put so much effort in that relationship. I ate her vegan food, bought her gifts, drove to see her (again, an hour away) …. and I get “on my way to class?”

Why don’t I matter to these women? Not just the two of these either… throughout my love life, it’s been this running theme of inadequacy and lack of recognition. What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing right? Why am I not enough?

Granted, yes… I understand they don’t owe me anything and their initial reason(s) for us not working out are still valid. It’s just the fact that their actions make it seem like I didn’t matter is what really hurts. Like my efforts didn’t matter regardless of the magnitude.

On my FB page I have a picture of a conversation between 2 people as my profile pic and it sums up these 2 scenarios perfectly. The convo goes as such:

Person 1: I really think love is not based on effort. Don’t you think so?

Person 2: Then what is it based on?

Person 1: You want cold water. I fan the cup a million times, then someone else walks by with ice. You want something from a person. Maybe you have expectations. I work with blood, sweat and tears to reach to your expectations and then suddenly someone else just came by and has that thing you’ve been looking for, so you go with them instead.

That’s exactly what happened too. Especially with Yoga Chick. She had expectations for her Potential boyfriend, and I tried to abide by them. I followed her no touching rule to a tee, I started to look into a vegan diet. Did a yoga class with her and did 2 private sessions with her, learning to adapt to her style since, I really had no to adaption for her to fall into. And then we went kaput… and Mr. Captain Planet “when our powers combine” comes out of nowhere and is everything she ever dreamed, I’m all of a sudden wiped away from existence.

The thing that really hurts is that yoga chick was REALLY into me and I was into her. When she would see me she was so excited, she would literally jump and down akin to a kid getting what they wanted for Christmas or a 2 year old seeing their parent come home from work. How do you elicit such a feeling from someone only to be completely erased from one’s life? Our only memory you posted of our time together reduced to a business card?

I.

WANT.

TO.

MATTER.

That’s why it’s so funny to me that people say that I need confidence. Go re-read The Quest Within Part 1: Confidence. How the fuck am I supposed to have confidence when shit like THIS happens?

“You’re awesome, Martini!” You’re one of a kind, Martini!” “You’re the best, Martini!” Really? Am I? AM I? Okay, whatever you say…

Say, speaking of empty compliments, another little story is with Crush girl (Episode #31). With her, she always pops up every so often and says hi, and wanting to meet up. Of course that gets me all excited but she rarely solidifies any plans. Or when we do finally arrange something, she bails. Yes, emergencies and I understand that but sometimes when I want to speak to her, her communication is piss poor and she rarely texts back. But she’ll post something on FB though within that same time block. Also she calls me “hun” and “my love” and also lets me know she’s thinking about me, yet won’t have the decency to get in touch with me to actually chill? Why the pussy-footing? What does it all mean?

I guess that’s why I did the whole imaginary girlfriend experiment because I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone.

It was nice to feel how a connection like that would feel if ever found that right mix of person in real life. Sure it was a manufactured connection, but a connection none the less.

Maybe it’s a problem with me being a traditional romantic in the vein of letter jackets & going steady. When you were with someone, everything mattered. A kiss, a gift, etc. Now people switch out dating partners like clothes, and it doesn’t matter that you went to first base or whatever with Tammy on Thursday cause she kissed Ralph on Monday. It doesn’t mean she’s hoeing around and it doesn’t mean that she’s playing either of them either, it’s just that she doesn’t belong to anyone but herself. Maybe that’s my problem, because I get to these points with women I feel like, “ooh” it’s getting somewhere, we might get to be exclusive”, where she is just having fun in the moment. No one is intentionally trying to hurt me. It’s just the way I take it. But c’mon… it’s hard not to see where I’m coming from though.

I saw this meme on FB and it hit it right on the nose:

“In the end we all just want someone, who chooses us over everyone else under any circumstances.”

THAT’s exactly I mean! I want someone who chooses ME over someone else, rather than me being chosen over, or me just being a ‘fling” or a tease, someone to keep you busy while your man is a work, or being in competition with anyone. I want someone to be like “I want HIM”.

Is that asking too much?

“No one is going to love you exactly like you imagine. No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star from the sky at the perfect time and hand it to you. No one is going to show up at your door on a horse, with a shoe you lost. Do you understand? That’s why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other love just adds more candles to the cake you’ve already iced.” – Stephanie Bennett-Henry

Although this is pick-me up clearly for a woman, this realization hits home. The imaginary girlfriend thing is great, but not real… literally and figuratively. I can’t expect someone to match me perfectly, but I already know that. I just want someone to make me feel like I matter, but I guess that’s the point of the quote. That person to make me is matter is me and maybe I shouldn’t give that power to someone else because obviously it can be debilitating. I shouldn’t be tired of not being enough, I should be tired of people not seeing that I am worth it and already am enough. I would love it if someone sees that as well, but if no one does, I should (finally) be okay with that too.

– end –

ps: accompanying episode: Episode 54 – Am I Not Good Enough?

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