The Quest Within, Pt 5: Fail… to Succeed

So we’re at the final leg of the quest so let’s recap. I talked about confidence and how it just doesn’t come from thin air. You got to have small victories in order to give you that push towards being confident. Those victories show that your efforts have been working. After that was acceptance and how it teetered back and forth from good to bad like a Libra scale. The third aspect was realizing that despite everyone’s love for me, not changing was more of a detriment than a blessing to appease. Lastly, I’ve been growing ever since but at the same time not enough for women who feel they have to deal with scum because they believe there aren’t any “enough good men” out there (smh).

Definitely my overall issue is not being strong enough or having enough backbone/“experience points” like I said in the first post to get a handle on these setbacks. I’ve always been the guy in the cut. In the shadows, observing from afar, enough to see but not too close to get hurt (a lot of good that did me, huh?) During my courtship with my ex fiancé, she used to tell me this quote from time to time:

“A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether.” – Roy H Williams

She would say that because she always saw that I knew what to say when a situation presented itself to me. Like, I didn’t need to “get my feet wet” to know how to go about resolving a solution. She found that quality in me to be endearing.

Over the years people would tell me I should be a Life coach, because I was very much the advice guru to friends and strangers alike because it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. The real reason was because I just learned a lot from combing through my own, my friends, and similar people’s experiences via research and articles which has its good side and bad side.

The Good side is it saves you a lot of time by skipping the damaging setback that would happen if you were to go down a dark path. For example, do you really need to take drugs to know that they’re bad for you? Or can you just look at what drugs do to people and say “you know what, I’m good.” I remember WAY back in school when they would have those D.A.R.E or S.A.D.D. events and would show you drug addicts and they were all disheveled and gangly and they would say “Don’t become like me!” I was like “Okay!” That sold me! That’s all I needed. Sure you could call it a brainwashing of sorts but it’s not like they were wrong. Regardless, that mentality stayed with me growing up. I would look at what other people would do to save myself from time wasted and going down a bad road. The bad side of it is, is that I lose personal experience in that sense.

I always felt like I was the seasoned coach on a sports team, but skipped the part where I was the seasoned player in the sport. So despite learning a lot from observing and researching, I missed out on all the lessons I could have learned by skipping Practice.

So this time there needs to be a change. You know when they say ‘the student becomes the teacher’? Well the teacher becomes the student – or continuing with this sports analogy – the coach puts on the jersey, becomes a player and gets out there in the Sport of Life and starts taking the bumps and learns through practice. Let’s be clear, I’m not necessarily trying to re-live my adolescence and be one of those 80s movies like Big, 18 Again or worse modern takes like 13 Going On 30 and 17 Again. No, this is just to gain the confidence and allow myself to see things more first hand as opposed to second hand. Got to get yourself dirty once in a while.

I know that my life has been light on experience so I’m gonna work on it. Take more risks, venture out more, and just open my mind and widen my horizon. I know people think I haven’t been through enough shit. I agree to a degree. I mean how can I not, my lack of experience cost me both of my serious relationships. BUT – seeing this story though makes me think I might not be as behind as I (or they) think I am.

I fell upon this interview with Will Smith and his take on failing was quite eye opening.

“When you’ve had a certain amount of success, it seems like it should breed confidence, but it actually doesn’t. When you win a lot, and you lose the ability to lose you’re not allowed to lose any more. You actually lose the ability to create. Fear is the killer of creativity there is also a misconception about failing. No – you have to fail a LOT, you have to fail early, you have to fail often, and you have to fail forward. So I’m trying to get comfortable getting back to failing. If you’re not willing to fail you’re not gonna put up that last shot.”

I understand. While I’ve been saying that small victories breed confidence, he’s saying that too much success might actually make you lose your edge and isn’t good for you. You almost hit a level where you’re expected to win every time. Despite those assholes, excuse me, gentlemen who constantly get the slam dunk with women, they must feel the pressure from peers to uphold their manly reputation. I mean, we can’t see them sweat right? Or they might give off that their actually human. What pressure.

But I totally get it. You have to fail to succeed. I guess this blog series is the literal translation of that for me right now. I’ve failed, which has allowed me to create, to wonder, to strategize, etc. I’ve come up short constantly that I’ve had enough and now I’m ready to seize the day and succeed, in all aspects of life, LOVE and beyond. This is a new a chapter in my life that I’m extremely anxious to get going. Watch me fail, but also watch me learn along the way and take my new found talents and rightfully earned experience to the top.

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