The Quest Within, Pt 1: Confidence

For as long as I’ve been living, when it came to life (but mostly women) everybody has always said to me that you got to have confidence. All you need is confidence. Once you have confidence, the world is your oyster. Confidence, confidence, CONFIDENCE. After all these years you know what I have to say about that? FUCK confidence. 

Now, I understand what people are trying to do but at times I feel they just go with whatever they think is the “right thing to say” at the given time to try to “help” with the issue. Everyone knows that having confidence is necessary to being successful (in all aspects of life) but what people fail to realize is that you can’t just get confidence like it’s a part of a value meal at a fast food like establishment for Life. You can’t just roll up to the Dollar Menu of Morality and start ordering shit like “yeah, let me get a big dick, some muscle, a small ego, and a side of confidence, please? Super size – and hold the tickles.”

Every piece of you is built from the ground up. You think those guys at the club who get your number with style, the sports athletes who get to sleep around with willing women, the hot “Lumbersexuals” with their beards, and the celebrity men you want to use your hall pass on, one day just got confident? No. They also didn’t pop out of the womb with the self-esteem of a god. They were not slapped on their bottom with the seal of confidence at the time of birth.

They ALL went through the trials and tribulations of life to come out the other side and be the dominant figure they are today. Things needed to happen for them to attain confidence.

The best way I can describe it is to think about it in video game terms. Sorry, it’s the geek in me. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep it basic.) So, in a particular genre of Game (called a ‘role ‘playing game) every time you come faced with an obstacle or adversity and defeat it, you gain what’s called “experience points” or “XP”. Over time, after every level or adversary you meet towards the final goal, you acquire and accumulate said points. What you use them for is to upgrade the skill set you have as a person, and just make you a better person to forge through more of the game.

Same thing with life. You play a role which is well… you. You forge through obstacles and adversaries and then you (hopefully) defeat it, acquire knowledge and gain experience and you’re better for it. Then you use what you learn to tackle bigger threats.

Key term: defeat.

If you don’t defeat the blockade/monster, you lose the game and lose all the points you acquired. But at least you gain knowledge to try another way. Same with life. Try another way. BUT… it’s great when you can get small victories.

Small victories could be anything from something menial to something monumental. For life it could be a callback from a job, an interview. For love it could be a smile, or a wave. Small talk. A number, acknowledgement. It’s hard to acquire experience points and confidence when you keep losing the small battles and you can’t gain any ground. Small victories make the mountain climb more feasible.

“Don’t worry man… it’ll happen when you least expect it”

“It happens when you stop looking for it.”

You know what? SHADUP.

Just because you didn’t initially search for your significant other, doesn’t mean you weren’t looking, it’s just that you weren’t looking for them.

No one stops looking for love, because it’s all around you. On TV, in the movies, in the books you read, and your friends getting shacked up. You might say “oh fuck this shit” and give up for a couple weeks or even months out of frustration or bitterness (Like I do) but you always come back.

“Love is like dark chocolate. Although it always leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, you will still be tempted to take a bite the next time around.” – Simran Khurana

For instance, there’s this girl on OkCupid (yes I signed back onto it again *UGH*) that is gorgeous. But I look at her like “yeah OKAY – no way she’ll be into you”.

Of course you’re saying to yourself: “How do you know, it can’t be that bad”

Really? First off it says:

My Self Summary: Nurse, Food Enthusiast, Traveler, Reluctant gym advocate, Doctoral student

What I’m doing with my life: “I currently work as a cardio thoracic ICU nurse. Graduated with my masters last year as a nurse practitioner, and now i’m working on my Doctorate in nurse practice.”

What I’m doing with mine?: I work overnight in retail. She spends a lot of time thinking about how she turned 31 and when did that happen?

She’s 31 and is a nurse and graduated with a Master’s. I’m 35 and I still live with my parents.

Now you might say that I’m being down on myself (possibly), but I’ll tell you that all I’m doing is just stating facts. In what world do you think that I would have the confidence (that women think is so readily available) to even fathom that I had a chance with this woman?

“There’s always hope!”

Riiiiiight. Hope.

Hope trips people up. Hope is trying to make you believe in something that mathematically can’t be possible. Like passing a test you didn’t study for. You’re either going to fail or pass it. There’s no “hope”. Hope is the convincing part.

“You still gotta give it a try”

I totally hear you, but then as soon as I think I should, this meme (that women standby, uphold and PREACH like it’s a verse from the Bible) comes to mind:

“If you see a woman that has everything going for herself and you’re not ready to add value to her life, just admire her from afar. Please don’t interrupt her greatness”

That stops me in my tracks, and as much as I hate it, it’s not wrong. Granted, I as a person have much to offer (Love, adoration, attentiveness, empathy etc..) but we all know that “Love is not enough”, so as a provider and/or living asset to the proverbial table – nada.

That’s where hope goes out the window. But you would fool me to believe that despite her being a nurse and me in retail (money disparity has always been #1 issue with women in the past), and that she has a better foundation in life than I do, that I should still go for it because of “hope”. If we’re doing the video game analogy, it’s like battling a boss 2 sizes bigger then you and you have no armor.

Wondering is always nice (it’s what keeps my spirits up, though they should be shot to shit), but you need to have a sense of practicality as well.

I only contacted her, not because of “hope”, but to prove that I was right. (Update: I was SO ho hooOOOooo right. No reply – shocker)

“Okay fine. Maybe you go for someone more your ‘speed’ then?”

Well… I could but doesn’t that go against the very nature of hope? The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward right?

What I’m saying is – just like money, confidence (or “balls”) doesn’t grow on trees. You don’t just “get” it because you want it. It has to be fought for and earned, but what happens when you don’t have the equipment to go on the quest? Do you try anyway with the odds against you, or do you just lay down your sword and say Game Over?

How did I even get to this…. “defeatist” attitude? Well, let’s go on a little quest within and find out shall we?

…to be continued.


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